Medicine Man Confirms My Deviations (But offers treatment)

Today I visited a back medicine man. My back has been malfunctioning for ages and after visiting two other educated back medicine men and an uneducated back medicine woman, this is my fourth attempt to correct my poor, deviated spine.

To begin his critique on my spine, the medicine man had me stand on some scale contraption. Reluctantly, I climbed onto this scale thing and stood silently as medicine man adjusted the scale accordlingly. For once, I was on the pedestal (my spelling is abominable today. I had to look up The Forty Year Old Virgin quotes to re-discover the spelling of "pedestal"). I stepped off the scale and we examined these string pully things that were attached to the scale. The white string was straight (of a normal back). My string was yellow. My string was waaaay out of line with the white string. Clearly, there was a problem. "Hmm..." medicine man ponders. We checked the actual weight scale. I put something like 20 more pounds on my right foot; therefore my spine has shifted towards the right. Apparently having a peculiar spine like mine may cause all sorts of problems in the Nervous System. He tells me some rather grave things, while I stand in indifference. (I've heard it all before) We then take an x-ray.

The rusults come in. He plasters my results over light. I see my spine, but am very confused as to what this all means! I'm no medicine man! I ask the medicine man to eluicdate. So, he plasters a normal spine next to mine. "Ah," I say. Everything is quite lucid now. I'm a herteroclite! My back is as adnormal as a polar bear in Iran. My neck vertabre stuff is on a 12 degree angle. It's supposed to be a 45 degree angle! Medicine man mentions this is his primary area of concern. I'm inbetween stages 2 and 3 (of 4). I've no clue what these stages mean but it can't be good; I'm nearly in stage 3! Apparently this may cause all sorts of problems. He figures my lung capacity is 30% less than it should be ( No wonder I'm always out of breath. I knew I was an athlete!) Apparently this can affect brain function too, i.e. memory. "Fix me, man," I cry. We devise a little scheme to attack the demon in my back and take him out! So I must see him 15 times in the next month or so, as we attempt to salvage my poor spine from total destruction; meaning, attempting to prevent my untimely demise.

Medicine men have been let downs before, but I urgently hope this man has skills.