New Enterprises

After an epic battle with East Side Mario's, I've decided to secure proper employment from a caring employer who will value me. Thus, I officially commence work within the oil/gasoline industry tomorrow. The grand corporation of Shell has delegated all sorts of responsibility my way. I begin as a lowly, grossly underpaid cash man. I basically control the money coming in and out of the business. I suppose it's an administrative position (I'm sorry. I try to be modest).

Let's view some jammed informational nuggets about Shell:
We're based in the free and wonderfully capitalist country of the United States of America.
We're an affiliate of Royal Dutch Shell - a MULTINATIONAL oil company. We are one of America's (and probably Canada, but Canadian statistics are meaningless) leading oil/natural gas, and petrochemical manufacturers! My potential is untapped; the American dream is within reach!

UH OH! There are some criticisms:

"Friends of the Earth" claims that damaged produced by OUR drilling could be something of 20 billion dollars to local communities/wider environment; however, due to their amateur, hippie sounding name, they have lost credibility.

In 2005, we netted a sweet profit of 26 billion dollars. Some consider us profiteers (especially those annoying environment friendly groups). I figure we could pay off those green peace lovers with a mere billion of our profit. I'm surprised pay offs aren't already in the budget. I'll speak the president about this. But I think he's located in Texas. I'll sure he visits the station every once in a while, I'll see him then.

Other minor criticisms:

We may of supported the Apartheid regime in South Africa by pursuing opportunities there.
We tend to spill oil and ruin some habitats.
We broke the US Clean Air Act. (That's ironic. Everyone knows the US don't give a hoot 'bout the environment).
Some infringement thing (we're frequently sued).
Chemical pollutants, pipeline ruptures, water contamination, employed evil Vietnamese people during the war, we charged a Nigerian anti-oil activist with treason and executed him, the police slaughtered eighty more people and destroyed more homes when we asked for police protection from a peaceful protest; some board banned us from investing in Darfur (something to do with genocide), we screwed over some Japs back in '93, tried to screw over people looking for retirement money in Malaysia, we strongly desire a pipeline in Ireland, which we claim the locals desire, we're developing a gas field in Iran despite their radical government, we desire to destroy Alaskan lands 'cause we gots to get that oil; faulty health and safety record, and lastly (because I am tired), CONVENIENTLY the United States destroyed the hell out of Iraq so that we may take over their oil supply.

Other than that, I am proud to be a Shell employee.