When You Wake Up Feeling Old

It has come to my attention that another imminent birthday is looming over my head like a guillotine. But I am not a cake-eating Marie-Antoinette, I am a fit and humble man. Take a moment for the resounding irony to hit. *Splatter*

My greatest fear is to become a victim of ageism, like Michael Scott. Perhaps I will need to revolutionize my wardrobe, style, tastes, and language to avoid this form of hate-crime against the aged. Here are a few examples to colour in my agedness:

1. I do not comprehend text messaging; I have only performed this progressive communicationary technique twice -- and this was under the supervision of a teenager.

2. I nearly have a scheduled napper time to rest my decrepit body.

3. Nearly all the tunes I listen to are as soft as lullabies.

4. My feet are incessantly cold.

5. My memory lapses more frequently than the Maple Leafs.

6. I spray the children with the hose when they trespass on my verdant lawn.

Enough! I cannot continue on any further... Funny thing is: I don't even know what to do with my life.